he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
Apparently you walked through my house with your dress on your head
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
every single one of us blacked out. we woke up the next morning and it was like the night never happened. IT'S STILL A MYSTERY
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
Today as a vday present for myself I am walking in between any couples I see on campus.
Please find an outlet that isn't stripping or getting drunk and arrested
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
I lost a whole day of my life. Apparemtly I was using my deodrant as a phone. And is my phone there?
also my alarm just went off. I am always amused at what time drunk me decides to wake up.
P.s. I loved that your balls smelled like coconut
He's far too busy staring into my soul to touch my tits.
am drunk, naked, and blow drying cat. need adult supervision
Randomize
