Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
he took his pants off right in front of me then just stood there so i went for his boxers and he said he was waiting till marriage
Were not really friends so much as I suck his dick a lot
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
whatever buzz i had immediately ended when i saw her run through a sliding glass door
SORRY! Pervert came out for a bit. BAD PERVERT! BACK IN YOUR HOME!
dude, no lie, I would make out with you in front of them wearing nothing but a rainbow colored speedo
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
Blood work from physical was all good, apparently heavy alcohol use agrees with me
So that advice that humming stops you from puking? Yeah no, just puked through my nose.
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
You answered, dry heaved into the phone twice, & then hung up on me.
I feel like a drive thru vagina
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
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