dude, despite what happened last night, I'm not gay
She went from zero to smokin in five shots
Don't use my boy Weezy to support your whoreish tendencies.
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
the liquor store owner came out from behind the counter and kissed my cheek when he saw that i am back for fall semester
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
he asked if i wanted their team name to be " Amandas angels" or " Fuk budies" either way an intermural softball team of all my hook ups from spring semester is just depressing. convenient but depressing
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
One minute we were ordering sandwhiches. The next hes peeing in a trash can yelling at kids about how tv made him this way
This is the best thing we've done since that time we started a religion
The first time he ever tried to hold my hand, I moon walked away.
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
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