You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
The world would have a new energy source if someone would just take a blacklight to the backseat of that slut's car
The only reason anyone found out he threw up is because everyone heard it sizzle the bonfire out.
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
We got the DJ into it too! "If there are any dudes into other dudes out there, my man mark is looking to get pounded. Buy him a drink stat!"
Smoked a joint with my old camp counselor and now we're going to a strip club. There is a god.
I just asked her to come in through the window, this pretty much solidifies the whole fuck-buddy thing...
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
*goes to show prof a picture* *forgets tit pic is in camera roll*
I'm sorry about the spring break comment. I won't make anymore pornos, I promise.
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
Randomize
