I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
quit making up holidays to get me to go drinking with you
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
I walked into my room to see them crying, watching hey arnold, and passing a franzia box back and forth...
that freshman chick we always see on the weekends walked into art class wearing a jaegermeister shirt and holding a monster, which she proceeded to shotgun with a pair of scissors. It sickens me to know I will never achieve her level
If drawing me a picture of his dick in draw something is flirting then he is doing it wrong.
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
I think snapchat is trying to tell you something. It's saying your boobs were meant to be seen by his family.
Can't. I'm doing shots with my mom.
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
It's not a hangover, it's "slept on a couch with another person and said person moves a lot and is loud"
It was sweet, he carried me out of my bathroom after I passed out, built me a pillow fort so I wouldn't roll out of bed, set a glass of water on the table, and brought me a mixing bowl to puke in. Totally a sign we're more than just fuckbuddies.
-367$ and a torn scrotum.. Panama wins
Randomize
