I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
How much would it be to rent out Gus Johnson so he can announce our flip cup games?
I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
I am not one to point fingers but since it says your name "wuz here" next to the dick drawn on my stomach I am holding you personally responsible.
I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
With great liquor, comes great irresponsibility. Remind me of this night tomorrow.
He tried to buy me a drink at dollar beer night. All 3 of his credit cards were declined, so he asked me if I could cover it. Needless to say, I'm not calling him back.
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
Found sauce from last night's pizza rolls wedged under my phone case... While sitting in my 8 am class. What happened last night?
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
It's not "nice." It's the supermodel of dicks.
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
Randomize
