I think she heard me call her a fat skank. But she was to be fair.
If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
You kept shouting "Relax and take notes" every time before you would hit the blunt
I was dancing barefoot on glass at one point. That really sobered me up.
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
I just couldn't help myself when there was a FOUNTAIN OF SHOTS
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
Good news, I found your other leg warmer. Bad news, I don't know if the pile of puke I found it in was yours.
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
It sounds like drunken magic sprinkled w narcotics
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
i wish i could put you in a lil box, and keep you for when i need to be blown
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
Randomize
