ya i looked horrible drunk and pregnant isn't a good combination
i never thought it was possible to fit gay, redneck and asian into the same sentence before i met you.
and this wasn't even the first one i'd hooked up with
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
I think being an adult is being able to say no to free shots...I need to work on that.
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
I just want to be naked all the time but not in a sexual, come-hither and look at my ass sort of way. In a slightly chubby yet not ashamed way as I eat Taco Bell and lay on soft fuzzy blankets.
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
I wonder whether Megan will forgive me if i have phone sex in her attic
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
Stopping for a booty call on the way to a lunch date... Bad form?
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
Randomize
