i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
The little things make me happy. Little dicks do not.
Lesbians. Lesbians everywhere.
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
Don't make fun of the drunk girl eating bread out of her pockets. I've been that girl.
If is anything like my past relationships, I have no doubt that I will single-handedly reignite the Cold War
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
So basically I really like drugs AND banging cops and it's starting to get complicated
Teacher vividly described one of the times he did shrooms, sat down, sighed, and told everyone to go do drugs and let us out 15 minutes into class. I love community colleges
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
Randomize
