I'm guessing "whatever I can get" wasn't the reply the nurse wanted when asking what med I need. Oh, and asked for a cartoon band-aid.
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
Sorry you had to see that, but on the bright side...at least I trust you enough to have sex in front of you
Of course she said it wasn't that good, I don't bring my A game to pity fuck the thrice divorced girl from work
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
Legitimate logistical question....how did you pee in your duct tape dress?
I'm ready to take a few years of my life this weekend
Another memory: We offered for a stranger to live in our house under the condition that he took the garbage out because it's a 'blue' job.
We are the best.
Ps. We need to take the garbage out.
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
My Canadian brought me three bottles of maple syrup, a sunflower, and a pair of Oakleys back to the states...he's either drunk or he loves me
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
His idea of a night out is drinking beer in the driveway. He's been on house arrest too long
One lesson I've learned so far from college: You've always got time for one more shot. Always
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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