I mean i might have to drop this class tomorrow. I just walked into a midterm
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
He used one end of the towel to wipe the cum and I used the other end to wipe the tears
He tried to carry her to her room after she passed out, but when he picked her up she came back to, saw him, screamed rape and pulled out her vuvuzela app and blasting it like a rape whistle.
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
You said you liked how I put the cream cheese on.
I have never fucking hated the horrible sound of dozens of off-key recorders BLARING their fucked rendition of "Fais Do-Do" in unison against the screams of an adult male... more than I do now. This is why people avoid teaching. Kill me. End it all.
Is Oprah even human
he tried to have the "are we in a relationship" chat last night. I stuck my fingers in my ears, yelled lalalalalala very loudly at him and told him I would stop having sex with him if he ever tried that conversation again. bad person, or just being a realist?
I think I just got booty called by someone I've never slept with or even really had a conversation with before.
Randomize
