My room smells like vodka and shame
I vaguely remember telling people they were not trash cans
Dude I thought this was going to suck, but moving back in with my dad is like being at a frat party every night only everyone is 40 years old.
She just got in car wreck. Wreck sex is better than break up sex
do you guys have 30-35 shot glasses? because if not, i don't even see a point in me coming
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
Actually some of the best sex I've had involved a lot of laughing.
How small IS your cock?
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
"What's your dick like homie" is not really an acceptable thing to say out loud
I looked so sad that Jessica gave me a bar of soap. So that's where I'm at.
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
what is considered shitting yourself?
Like my underwear wasn't soiled, but there was definitely a departure from my asshole.
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
Randomize
