They threw me out of the bar because I was arguing business ethics with the owner of th bar
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
he said he needs a little more pabst, some time to jack off and a sandwich and he'll be ready
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
Is 1:30 too early for the bar?
Do you want my opinion or society's?
I want your company
Ok she stopped using her fork and knife and is legit eating that steak using her hands.
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
1 why did you tell them where i peed last night and 2 where the fuck are you
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
Sorry. Im too sleepy to penis.
Randomize
