my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
If it has a penis then it will be stupid. Just how it works.
I just had the ultimate walk of shame. I'm barefoot, in his gym short with vomit in my hair and I walked half a mile through campus. At noon. Thanks for picking up ur phone
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
After we fucked he shhhh'd me and said your welcome
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
Can we skip lunch and do power hour sex time from now on? I'll let you eat nachos off my body if you really need the food.
You were holding up a boot and yelling boot gang
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
Vodka tonic time....wish me luck!
Go for it my man. I'm saving my shit show night for tomorrow. Gonna make it a big one just to let the entire bar know why I'm single
I'm gonna send you a dick pic now just so your uncomfortable at work
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
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