I wish they made sweatshirts for legs
you mean pants?
alcohol. turning childhood friends into awkward hookups since the dawn of civilization.
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
Definitely almost got hit in the face with a baby
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
I think you're too young for vagina rejuvenation but I guess you have never been one to listen. Sounds good! You bring the Percocet ill bring the vodka!
Do u like your dick pics shot in hotdog or hamburger orientation?
It's a whole movie about Joseph Gordon-Levitt watching porn and having sex... I NEED to own it..
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
got a free grilled cheese. Didn't even have to talk about Jesus
I think the pizza guy was in shock..
Well I didn't mean to answer the door only in socks but I mean come on, 4 hours of sex works up an appetite! I WAS RAVENOUS
my dad just liked my status about my bowl being stolen even he feels my pain
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
Randomize
