Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
She just said she finds Tyler Perry funny... this is not going to work.
You really need to tell him that he has a girlfriend. I'm not sure he knows
She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.
We convinced him to snort an altoid. We should not be allowed to drink together
Found out that it IS actually possible to get road head from somebody in the back seat
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
You flew out of the bedroom, stole two Solo cups from the beer pong table, put them on your feet, clicked your heels together three times
I've just never heard the term serendipitous used to describe having one's asshole licked.
Yeah. I found my shirt from last night while walking back to the bar to get my purse/phone this morning. I'm never going to even ask what actually happened. Be glad you moved 7 states away.
He doesn't like Sabbath and that alone is a GIANT red flag. Learn from my experiences and never, I mean NEVER associate with people that hate Black Sabbath and Motörhead.
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
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