false alarm. still invincible.
I'm totally counting that party when he kept putting his hands down my pants as a date.
I wish life had little blips of pornography
i just fucked the bartender on my cruise to get free alcohol. have things gone too far?
Judging by what's in the bathroom right now, I see you graced us with your presence last night.
you haven't felt a hangover until you wake up after a night of snorting tequila.
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
Yes, that was me on the jumbo tron. No, i don't know why i was hiding.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
We left live chickens on the basement slip n slide. Good luck finding your car keys
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
Did my dad just see you doing a walk of shame?
Yup I waved.
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
he invited me over. we listened to jazz, smoked weed, then cerebrally fucked each other over a three hour game of chess
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