Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
Sorry, I don't speak sober.
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
Just gave a gay guy pointers on how to make anal not hurt. Reevaluation of life choices: in progress.
It's been so long that I've occasionally forgotten I own a vagina
The only explanation I can think of is that he still likes me. Which gives me an enormous amount of power over him and makes me laugh with malicious intent.
Like sorry you chose to have an attractive girlfriend dude
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
So I may have to sleep with a cougar to get a slightly used, yet free microwave. I'm going in
Those nachos came to me in a dream
I drove them away with my sparkling personality and LOTR references.
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
there's no judgement here...i was recently just fingered in my dorm hallway while having a conversation with 5 people.
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
Randomize
