The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
you sang the finger bang song from south park while fingering me. needless to say, kind of a turn off.
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
i just won "most creative" category in the condom contest in human sexuality by licking it onto a cucumber. my feedback forms included three phone numbers, one with a Magnum XL taped to it
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
um so slept at robs. he woke up, looked at me, and said ' oh my psychiatrists are gonna have a field day with this one' I think that's when you know you can't hang out with someone anymore
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
The ONE weekend I don't put anything up my nose, and it decides to bleed like crazy
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
Plus he is a pilot so I could give him flight dome
he's 22 and listens to dad music. if i hear one more modest mouse song i'll never blow him again
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
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