Oh My! A car just drove by me a splashed me with a wave of water. I am drenched and soaking wet!
I am sorry--all I heard is that you are wet.
I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
Just spent 45mins blow drying a joint i dropped in a beer....i felt like i dropped his infant child....
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
stuck in a tree...bring a ladder. also my arm might be broken. no questions are allowed.
I dont know about you but I'm not getting out of bed this summer for anything but food or sex
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
Happy meals everywhere. I think Ronald McDonald Claus visited.
i just got banned from the m&m's website for trying to get poon slayer written on my custom order
The only alcohol at my aunts was mikes hard so I drank 9 of them and puked in the master bath
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
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