the only reason why im excited to go home for break is to finally eat real fucking food and have normal bowel movements.
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
But seriously he was like a god with his hands. My vagina feels annointed.
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
I've slept in a different bed every day this week. Operation Ho Ho Ho is a success!
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
I have fuck me eyes 4/5 people agree. It's like doctors or dentists but with ppl who have lots of sex and know these things.
Is it possible to be drunk burnt? Like sun burnt but from drinking? Cus I think I that's what it feels like
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
I've got to stop being so hungover that I puke in the fine establishments of this glorious town.
We were fucking in the boat on the lake when another boat saw us and honked their appreciation.
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
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