R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
i kinda want to bang the mythbusters girl... i bet she's got a nice snapper
my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
On a side note, I now know what a $150 cab ride looks like
He taped the number 420 over all of his clocks
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
Sorry girl, my dick is like a rollercoaster. You only get a picture after you ride
That's the girl I met who was peeing on the driveway with me. We bonded
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
Sudden memory flashback: drunk me outside ripping my tampon out and throwing it into the neighbors yard, silently cheering 'time for sexxxx'. I sense a dangerous pattern emerging
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
I woke up and he was just feeling up my stomach. I felt like buddha and he was rubbing my belly for good luck. never again.
My only positive piece of news is that my roommate is moving home for the summer, so our stress-relief sex will be much easier to get away with.
His penis is the only thing worth pursuing but all the baggage attached isn't.
Randomize
