woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
Found her. Shes unconscious up against the room door. Her credit card is in the keycard slot
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
It would be like a dance party with a dick inside you. I think that's what Ke$ha wants for the world.
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
But he does seem to be getting proper humping etiquette down. So there's progress.
After the Jell-o shots and about 6 shots of lighter fluid brand tequila, it got to the point where breathing was painful. All I could do was pray I didn't fall asleep in the front yard.
Holy shit there is too much Taco Bell here to talk to you
Like when I see him I look straight through his appearance and just envision a big walking penis.
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
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