You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
If she sucks any more cock I swear she will be a spermivore
so she finally agreed to being friends with benefits. not only did I take her virginity, when I woke up, she brought me French toast made with homemade bread in bed.
I worship thee.
I don't remember her missing an ear while we were at the bar
Potato salad is not cupcake ingredient
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
I'll check it out in the morning. Tonight has been reserved for getting baked and covering myself in kittens because THAT IS AN OPTION.
Who suggested the eggnog wet t-shirt contest last night like whose idea was that
Speaking
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
i ate her out in full view of all her roomates. the word awkward doesnt even cover it.
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
Damn, I just did coke with a dude in a bathroom and after he took his dick out right in front of me and took a piss. What a power move.
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