Update, blind date is cute and fun.
Scratch that, blind date just threw up.
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
White boys cant dance....we did an empirical study
It was horrifying, i havent seen a girls mouth open that wide since that one episode of Goosebumps..
Her brother is definitely not gay. I hooked up with him when she was sleeping.
No, I did not fuck him for football tickets. I fucked him for tickets to the superbowl. I'm not that much of a slut.
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
Any clothing i put on is too many clothes.
Actually, I take that back. You can only have it if I'm allowed to French braid the mullet.
We were sitting outside of the building and he literally just walked up with no pants on. This is the best college ever
Did I tell you guys I was bisexual last night? I just had a flashback
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
So today the police came to my dorm to look for weed, i didn't have any in the room, so i let them in. they apologized for any inconvenience and then left after finding nothing. then i realized i was wearing gauges with weed leaves on them lol
He said he broke his back in 3 spots & my first thought was "there goes my booty call".
Did u have a 2nd thought
I need a new booty call.
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