i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
it doesn't count as moral degradation if you win the strip off -right?
I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
it never fails, everytime he manages to fuck my earrings out of my ears.
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
Can't. I took a Viagra to make sure I wouldnt leave the room so I might actually study.
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
Are you still crying. What are you doing. Have 10 shots of tequila.
KNEE DEEP IN HOES. SEND HELP.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
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