Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
Technically this isn't a church so we could have been drinking this whole time.
no dont talk to me..because of you my bar tab was more expensive than my hospital bill
When she was giving me head last night it felt like there was a NASCAR pit crew working on my dick.
She was doing lines off of her friends boobs in the limo at 9 oclock on a thursday This has the potential to be the best weekend ever
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
the only consolation to the fact that i puked in public today was that i did it down a storm drain... so at least i am a responsible public puker
Seriously I'm dying. All my insides are fighting their way out of me. With light sabers and machetes.
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
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