She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
we came up with a wnba drinking game. take a shot every play that you could've done better. won't make it through 1st quartar
I'll do a soapy photo shoot for you in the shower. No loofas, though. Once you get one of those caught in your nipple ring, you never go back.
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
I like you as a friend, but I'm in love with your dick.
I have a new favorite bar game. It's called, get dressed up and go drinking alone then make up random stories of why you are alone to look less like an alc
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
It's a race to see if I finish the bottle first or my homework
Randomize
