so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
Even the bartender felt bad for me
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
i just successfully used the word "hymen" in a paper...welcome to senior seminar in lit.
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
It's amazing
I want to run hundreds of miles and do a whole semesters worth of homework while flying on a unicorn and throwing endless glitter bombs
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
She bit my shoulder during foreplay last night, and it's already infected. I think she has rabies.
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
I made out with the hosts' boyfriend, infront of her, drank way too much, slept in my car and convinced everyone that I'm really a nice person. If that's not skilled lying, I don't know what is.
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
he would NOT stop making out with my stomach! creeeeeepy
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