If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
k, so I just picked a four leaf clover, then saw my dads penis. Lucky? I think not.
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
Some fat girl belted her graduation gown. That is not a good look for anyone.
The walls are thin & apartments are narrow so all the bedrooms are next to each other. Our complex could compete in synchronized orgasms.
Dude.. full face helmets and hangovers do not mix... I am never going to get rid of the smell of puke.
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
Nothing quite like the "I had sex you a month ago and now we're stopped at the same 4 way" wave
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
I'm now forever going to blame miss frizzle for making me the sexual deviant that I am today
He said he would get me a helmet and bedazzle it with my name and address so the cabs would know where to take me
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
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