Just saw a girl trying to crack an egg with her butt cheeks. I think I know what we're doing thursday night.
The lesbians are drunkenly meowing in the hallway again. This is the shit I'll miss at home.
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
You have not lived until you have drunkenly grinded on your mother. Daughter of the year right here.
It got heated then she just left and I was all alone in the women's restroom.
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
Sex with you deserves a trophy and a day of remembrance in honor of it.
It's shark week go big or go home
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
When he mumbled "I can't feel my legs," proceeded to stand, fall over, and just lay there I knew I'd given great head...
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
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