im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
currently walking past a fire hyrdrant with a hose already attatched.. this could be dangerous..
She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
I'm trying to find candidates for my winter break hook up. I'm going to hold auditions thanksgiving break.
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
Remind me in the morning that I've now seen a guy do crack. That actually happened. I'm at the wrong party.
I no longer believe that the road to self esteem is through his penis.
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
Like you can't just be like oh bb and THEN SEND ME A FUCKING PICTURE OF MY 8TH GRADE FAT SELF IN A TACO COSTUME
You ruined a cute cat because your lack of horniness
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
he just asked me that if he was a penguin and I was a penguin if I would fuck him
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