she was definitely wearing a bumpit. i think it was the hollywood bumpit. i told her that i lived with my parents to get outta taking her home.
well this feels familiar. awake at the crack of dawn laying in the fetal position praying for the sweet release of death. i think im done with jager for a while
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
You told my mom you were going to "Raw Dawg some randoms." That Drunk.
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
WE'RE MOVING TO IRELAND!!!! DON'T ASK QUESTIONS JUST BOOK THE DAMN FLIGHT!!!!
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
That's probably why white girls drink so much espresso. Piledriving coke and vodka crans takes a fucking toll man
I just took a plan B pill with my preworkout. That's the level I'm on today.
He poured champagne on my pussy while he ate me out. I found my unicorn.
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