Yeah. He most definitely jizzed himself in the face.
the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
we were wasted and he didn't have a condom so he called the front desk and asked for one. They didn't "officially" have them but the night manager happened to have one in his wallet. He brought it to the room with two mints.
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
I'm really starting to miss his dick. Like so much I'm actually tempted to try and work things out with him again.
I WILL NOURISH YOU WITH SOUP AND PENIS!!!!!! And a sandwich of your choosing.......you like turkey?
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
Still stoned. I like your bong. It can stay. No others, though.
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
Hey guys.. So I accidentally broke the front door last night
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
Randomize
