No touching my privates on the ride to school. Pinky swear.
There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
It was ok at first, but now im getting freaked out by him jerking off to me doing yoga
My warmest regards to the fish in that koi pond I puked in.
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
yes he does come on. what guy wouldnt want his penis named after a dragon
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
I wrote my name on his balls in sharpie. In the homosexual world that's like a diamond ring. Shits permanent.
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
You looked at my sister and yelled at her saying in a couple of years she will be yours
He always takes me to get taco bell after we hook up in his car. It's sort of become a booty call tradition.
I walk in and my mom has a Christian workout program playing. It's like, gospel music with an "electronic" beat to go with it. And then they try to save your soul at the end. I hate being home.
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
This is why you arnt allowed in pet stores
None of what you just said was coherent
I just bought wine at a gas station what the hell do you expect
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