dude that girl has seen more cock ends then weekends
Just passed an anti-circumcision dude with a sign. Handing-out-bibles guy has been officially one-upped.
I just masturbated mid-day, thinking of you
I think that is one of the most romantic things I have ever heard from a fuck buddy on v-day, there is a strong possibility that you will soon be my girlfriend.
my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out.
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
He's 11. You dont draw dicks on 11 year olds, i dont care if he ate your lasagna
i offered her breakfast shots. she politely declined.
If you could come over after class and poke me with a stick to see if im still alive id really appreciate it
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
I was galloping around pretending to give birth to pbrs. I could have used a mask.
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
I smell like bonfire and ex-boyfriends
This night could easily degenerate into a drunken haze of strippers and gambling, but I need a support network.
Randomize
