I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
There comes a time in every man's life where he has to shit in a catbox to prove a point.
he asked me if i wanted "a hit" off his inhaler. its definitely time for a new roommate
As long as you don't die I'm in full support of your drinking decisions
so if i die before i go back to school its because the thing we found in the hallway that i've been smoking out of is a crack pipe
You spent about half an hour trying to convince me that mesh condoms were a good idea.
I tried to sit on a barstool last night...it was an open trashcan.
Nice just gets you lonely or dead. I don't like those options.
So I deleted all the text from my phone, was looking for my mom's coffee order and show the coffee guy the pic of me eating pussy.
The last thing I remember is him yelling from across the room "WE FINISHED THE HANDLE!"
It was 11pm.
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
I ate her out and told her she tasted like pumpkin pie. She screamed that she hated pumpkins and started to cry
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Randomize
