there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
Having sex with her was like reading the Wall Street Journal.
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
I just past a guy who was biking and double fisting wit glass beer bottles. That is what i call talent
She just fell in the river. Meet us downstream with the bottle.
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
Its okay that he doesn't remember you, he only remembers girls by their boobs and I think you were wearing a jacket
it still weirds me out that Robin Thicke is Alan Thicke's son
He is such a generous lover, I can look past the fact his name is fucking Bob.
Yeah last night got weird fast. No lie, a kid pulled a butt-plug with a tail out of his ass.
I think it may be easier if I stay drunk/high til the wedding. You game?
We left an ass print on the conference room table, but I don’t think anyone caught on
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize
