He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
we were bear claw grabbing his crotch in the middle of the bar yelling prominent ridge over and over.
I knew my sign language would come in handy. I just used sign to coordinate a coke deal.
I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now
Blacked out, Had to be carried out of the bar again by two large black bouncers. Asked them to be my "boo thangz" Again.
So I was trying to finish off that sick uv whipped and I chased it with yogurt. Not a good idea
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
Hooked up with a girl in the dorm laundry room tonight. And got invited to go to Vegas for free. That's how today's going.
When do you sleep by the way. I was surprised when I went to work at 1 am,left at 7 am and had a text from you somewhere in between
I just vodka nap now...
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
I have standards. Maybe not when it comes to men.. but definitely when it comes to sex
You use your abs way more than I realized. Btw multiple orgasms is the best thing I've ever discovered.
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
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