Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
WHY DO SO MANY HOBOS THINK I'M CUTE.
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
How was your 8:30 class today?
Non existent. I just threw up in my water bottle on the bus.
THE CONDOM ONLY COVERS HALF OF HIS DICK I AM IN THE BATHROOM PANICKING
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
I was just the victim of a drive by judging in a horse and buggy.
The fuck? Where?
St. Mary's. Amish people. Too high for this.
note: just because the casino is called bourbon street, it doesn't mean you can puke and keep walking and no one will care. chalk me up for another 86
Just got tinder matched with my COMM TA. Game on.
I threw up in my room. And I cleaned it up with a spatula.
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
It took 5 bourbons for him to handcuff and spank me and then he cried after sex. The men that like me are so unstable.
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
Despite how often it occurs, I have absolutely no interest in having sex with myself
Randomize
