She just sent me a txt where every word ended in "zzz", with about a hundred "!!!" and called herself "juicezzz". I need back up.
It usually only happens when Im really excited. Normally not that fast. You still enjoy it?
I fucked her to her "thinking of him" playlist. Sucks to be that guy haha
as we were driving back from the frat house he pulled down his pants and convinced me his penis "wanted some air"
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
Her face just looks like a massive mistake. That's the only legitimate description I can say about it
The way I'm gonna look at it is, if you don't makeout with your roommate once in college, you didn't do something right.
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
I'm sorry you caught us fucking in your bathroom. If it makes you feel any better when I tried to put my pants back on I dropped them in the toilet.
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
He sided with his father, so I slashed his tires. I’d say that’s a fair trade.
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