apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
It' a whole new level of walk of shame. I'm carrying his sheets since I have a washer/dryer.
Playing a game in life called "how far can I make a man travel for a booty call"
I'm kind of concerned that there are now two different videos of me with knives
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
I just found a tail you can wear naked. Via a butt plug. Who ever said the internet was a good thing?
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
Is it possible to break your brain with drugs?
I got a 5 dollar bill, 1 condom, and no alcohol. I get payed on Thursday. Let's do this shit.
Dude come to her party. Someone just took a body shot of rubbing alcohol
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
Randomize
