he just put it in my mouth and said "go"
Being college poor has reached a new low. I am giving up on masturbating so i can save money on toilet paper
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
I don't know. What do people who don't get stoned do?
You told us that you were going to become a 'new man' and threw your tv set out of a window.
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
she was concerned about my dick piercings.
MY BUTT IS BIG ENOUGH FOR AN ANACONDA AND HE DOESNT GET TO ENJOY IT TOUGH SHIT
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
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