Are u religion class? I'm on my way, I have cum in my hair. tell u later.
you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
Nothing like a $37 iTunes bill. Jesus Christ do you know how many $2 beer/shot specials that is??? The answer is 16. 16 beer/shot specials.
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
oh come on since when have relationships been boundary lines for us
fair point
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
GUESS WHO GOT ABSOLUTELY WASTED LAST NIGHT AND SPENT AN HOUR RAMBLING ABOUT KRAFT DINNER, HOCKEY, AND THE LAST TEMPTATION OF CHRIST
Can you bring home bongs? Like all the bongs. I need bongs
I feel like I should acknowledge that I see you as a human and not a ragdoll sex object
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
Access to a Target is paramount to my general happiness and self-worth.
Randomize
