i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
I asked what she wanted from Hawaii. She said a baby like Aaden from JK 8.
where am I supposed to find one of those?
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
Just puked on the beach. Hungover. In front of my parents. I love summer.
Things got a little weird when he fired up his homemade flamethrower in the living room.
i jsut waqnnna hugg thw crap outa sokme peoplee
how many thumbs am i supposed to have at one time
you found the shrooms didnt you
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
So I've been spending my morning trying to figure out if there's a corealation between Wednesday margarita night and the boat that's now in my living room.
I'm two shots in and wandering around Barnes and Noble with $58 in singles.
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.
dude me and this dog are gonna go bond oon the tramplene with stromboli... i think everyone is staring at me... being this high is SO stressful
Randomize
