I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
i'm in his phone as sushi coochie
he got instantly turned off in the middle of a blowjob when he heard the news "twilight beat the blockbuster record of batman"
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
Their wedding is on my 21st birthday. I fail to see a way that this could end poorly.
he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
She was eating whipped cream out of a plunger at 3 am in the morning. Yet somehow she still had an elegance about her.
My judgement was not "clouded". My judgement was in the midst of a fucking hurricane or something ridiculous.
I think I will always strangely appreciate as well as kick ass at stoned dishes. Like for the rest of my life. Thank you slave job at Starbucks.
And noooow we're smoking a ton of REALLY strong weed and THIS IS THE SOFTEST CAT EVER
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
I only spent $42 at the bar last night, it's some sort of miracle.
you do remember it was dollar beer night, right?
That answers my next five questions
I fucked a marine... I told him it was like personal revenge and he said he could live with that and that he didn't mind being used.
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