I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
is it too early in the day to continue our conversation about penis shapes?
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
Boxed wine mondays was one of our finer ideas
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
nothing like going to the bathroom, running into the wall, thinking its a person and saying"its ok i just had the 4 beers" even the wall knew i was lying
You did it first. I was merely expressing my support for you, by pressing my testicles against a window.
Yeah, my new jeep also came with custom license plates that read 4SKIIN. Not "4 skin" but "4 skiing" thanks mom and dad
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
Doug will be the one to get my vagina. I don't know when or how but I'm now declaring that it is his. And he better not disappoint.
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
I'm having a hard time eating my sandwich knowing how many different buttholes my hands were in last night.
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
Randomize
