we had that weird still in bed morning after conversation. Her dad is the vp of my company.
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children?
The strip clubs here are like a safari of penis, and I'm gonna bag me a rhino.
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
So she just had an emotional breakdown over a birthday card with a peacock on it. Yeah. She's pretty drunk, but we made it home safely.
Trying to figure out what I just puked. Demon weed is salad. No more drunk buffets.
I'm getting married
To pizza
I have no inclination to even want to think about what God's existential meltdown is going to be like. O.o
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
I think the sex rug burn on my back is infected, can you check it out when you get home?
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Our son just found our secret Sex Dungeon that is no longer hidden in our basement. He brought his Xbox and the TV down there he is currently sitting in the sex swing playing video games. What do I do?
Randomize
