That was a long time ago. She needed the money.
don't you miss freshman year when you could get away with "but i've never given a bj before..."
Some asshole just brought BK into my summer class, im already high as hell, i did not need another way to not pay attention
That's what you get for fucking someone nicknamed "wiggle worm"
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
No Robbie is the name of a kid or dog, not an adult man who's fucking you.
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
yesterday pre dick pic he said "no disrespect to your situation but i cant wait to get ahold of you again in the future" is this how people network??
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
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