my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
I wish all the girls i wanted to sleep with knew how big my dick was then id have a better chance
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
Well yea but it's the principle of the thing.. The fact that he could actually BE your daddy
We used the solo cup bag for her hair tie. Desperate times call for desperate measures.
Thank you for not boning my boss.
you're the third guy in less than 24 hours she fucked. I'm glad you lost your virginity just don't act like you climbed Mt. Everest.
mom had to come pick me up from the hotel. I crawled to her car. She told me the entire way home if I puked in it I was going to lick it up. Like high school all over again...
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
I went to BBQ fest on Wednesday and came home wearing a different shirt, so I think I did some good damage.
I think I may have fully transcended this spectrum of life. I can see beams of light man. Down to the photons
What
The only downside is I can't stop skipping
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
Let the record show that I hate your ass.
Randomize
