The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
I feel like someone kicked me repeatedly in the ribs. I don't think sex is supposed to do that.
the cops were hovering over him then shinned a flashlight to the floor above ours, then I realized that some fucker jumped from the third story.
fuck our hall.
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
Wake your sexy ass up. It's donut time.
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
Jäger goes great with personal crises and receding morals...
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
Yeah, I'm sure we have time for sex AND ihop.
His roommate walked in then asked "well did you at least finish". What a way to start your birthday
Dick very happy bro
Like he was cock blocking and it usually takes ten cocks to block this cock
Randomize
