Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
so its official, girls can see a boner through my snuggie.
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
I thought i'd save money with No Heat November but the amount of whiskey i have to buy to stay warm is probably adding up to more than a heat bill.
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
Where are you and who are these girls passed out on the floor?
and why are they spooning a flamingo?
they traded weed for a spot on our floor. be nice.
Almost made out with Amanda but I told her "I'm in a committed fake lesbian relationship with Laura. I can't."
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
It was like 10 tiny penises being shoved in my vagina.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
hotelroom bed is big enough to masturbate in, but small enough to not want to sleep in it after you've masturbated in it
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
Randomize
